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Ya'aburnee


I learned about this fascinating arabic word and was immediately inspired to write a poem. The literal translation of the word is "You bury me." It of course doesn't lend itself perfectly to the English language. But it's a word that simply and beautifull conveys that sentiment of "I hope I die before you, because I cannot live without you." Isn't that wonderful? It makes my poetic spidey senses tingle.

This is what I came up with. I've been fiddling with this for a while now and am not quite satisfied. I hope you guys can give me some feedback that will help jar me out of my rut. I'm at the point where I've looked at this poem so many times it's hard to tell if I'm improving it or not...

Ya'aburnee

Arabic.
Meaning, You bury me.
Meaning, If you die—

me too.

The air tastes like mountains today.
Pine trees, exposed rock, rain-wet wind.
It reminds me of the way your eyes swam blue
when we walked in August.

You make the ground beneath my feet
turn hard to rock.
Basalt, impossible to tunnel through.

If you die—
I won’t.

Promise.

I am mountains.
When I sink below the earth,
it will be the shift of tectonic plates,
the birth of an ocean.
No lover will lay me to rest.
Aug/22/2013, 3:48 pm Link to this post Email magyproductions   PM magyproductions Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Ya'aburnee


hi magy,

Just stopping by to let you know I've read this and that the first 7 lines are perfect imo.

I got a bit too much sun on my morning walk (left my hat at home) and got a migraine to show for it--so I shouldn't be on the computer too much.

I'll be back with more, hopefully helpful, stuff
later,

best,

Chris
Aug/24/2013, 1:19 pm Link to this post Email Christine98   PM Christine98
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Ya'aburnee


hi magy,

Just returned and realized the only two lines that don't work for me are:

"It reminds of the way your eyes swam blue
when we walked in August..."

To my ear, these lines clash with the larger, more elevated tone of the rest, "I am mountains...No lover will lay me to rest."

I like this one very much, magy.

Chris
Aug/26/2013, 10:00 am Link to this post Email Christine98   PM Christine98
 
spiralwoman Profile
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Re: Ya'aburnee


Thanks to Chris for figuring out what it was that did not gel for me either. I could not quite tell on first reading. I agree with her.

Other than that quibble, I like the italics, the word that prompted you (I wonder how it is pronounced!?), the imagery and especially how it all comes to a climax in the final strophe:

quote:

I am mountains.
When I sink below the earth,
it will be the shift of tectonic plates,
the birth of an ocean.
No lover will lay me to rest.



Gorgeous.
Aug/27/2013, 12:08 pm Link to this post Email spiralwoman   PM spiralwoman Blog
 
magyproductions Profile
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Re: Ya'aburnee


thank you so much chris and spiralwoman! i completely agree about those two lines. they definitely don't fit in with the rest of the poem. i'm going to continue to mess with this and maybe post a revision!
Aug/29/2013, 1:20 pm Link to this post Email magyproductions   PM magyproductions Blog
 
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Re: Ya'aburnee


I like "your eyes swam blue
        (---?--) in August"

It was only the veer in perspective; from the pines, the mountains, the stone, to 'that reminds me'.

This hit my gut, magy. The italicized words and the eternal self reach the voice of a greater consciousness, a goddess speaking. I like the shift, unexpected. But the beginning didn't hit me at first. Almost conversational/academic. Maybe that's why the rest hits, tho. I must reread more times, tho. Thanks.
Sep/4/2013, 12:18 pm Link to this post Email bridgetpost   PM bridgetpost Blog
 
taconic resonance Profile
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Re: Ya'aburnee


Hi Magy! "No lover will lay me to rest" is my favorite line because it flows. The turning to stone metaphor works but I would think about the last stanza -- "When I sink below the earth / it will be the shift of tectonic plates" -- what does "it" refer to exactly? To "I?" To a process? You could make the meaning more exact and it might get more mysterious at the same time.
Sep/14/2013, 9:18 am Link to this post Email taconic resonance   PM taconic resonance Blog
 
magyproductions Profile
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Re: Ya'aburnee


bridget & tr--thank you so much for the thoughtful feedback. now that you mention it, tr, i agree about the ambiguity of "it" in that line. i think it's the main reason why that line didn't quite work for me.

and i definitely agree with you about the different tone in the beginning, bridget. i wasn't really conscious of it before, but now that i am i have to decide whether i like it or not!
Sep/16/2013, 1:32 am Link to this post Email magyproductions   PM magyproductions Blog
 
Susiemcq Profile
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Re: Ya'aburnee


"No lover will lay me to rest" Love that line.
Dec/28/2013, 11:47 am Link to this post Email Susiemcq   PM Susiemcq Blog
 


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