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Fatgirlinboxinggloves Profile
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Sometimes


Sometimes you are called
to prayer
while soaking in the bath
Body supine
Chipped porcelain
tugging gently at your back

Invocations given
in silence
because words carry too much weight

Humans are greedy when they pray
Only considering the gifts

Remember the mantra that you whispered
over and over
for years
until it became part
of the rhythm
of your heart

"Dear God
please
help me
be a better mother
than she was"

He heard you

And now the burdens within
the gift are being revealed

It's time to
dismantle the nest
Set fire to every colored string
and soft piece of moss
Snap every perfect twig
until nothing remains
but a single feather

Last edited by Fatgirlinboxinggloves, Oct/7/2013, 7:15 pm
Oct/7/2013, 12:52 pm Link to this post Email Fatgirlinboxinggloves   PM Fatgirlinboxinggloves Blog
 
spiralwoman Profile
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Re: Sometimes


quote:

Sometimes you are called
to prayer
while soaking in the bath
Body supine
Chipped porcelain
tugging gently at your back


Love the second person. Love the way the porcelain tugs. Which it does. Love the setting where "you" is called to prayer.

quote:

The benediction given
in silence
because words carry too much weight


This is the only part of the poem that actually stopped me. I don’t think of a benediction as being the same as a prayer but more like a blessing of sanction, so then I was picturing a priest in the bath (not literally but it was a weird moment). And I also found myself thinking that words can be silent. Silent prayers use words too (not always I realize). I understand what you mean though – that uttering the words gives them too much weight when we are trying for whatever reason to be circumspect or just plain careful. So there is stuff in this tiny three line strophe that works for me in a muddle with stuff that doesn’t.

quote:

Humans are greedy when they pray
Only considering the gifts


This is true. It refers obliquely to the “you” – or not. Raises a question. Makes me wonder for the first time if the N is the same as the “you” (which I originally thought) or if the “you” is a separate person being addressed.

quote:

Remember the mantra that you whispered
over and over
for years
until it became part
of the rhythm
of your heart


This just has the ring of truth to it. We repeat and repeat until the grooves in our bodies laid down by the mantra/words/prayers/hopes/fears simply become tracks on which we ride to the rhythm of our hearts….

quote:

"Dear God
please
help me
be a better mother
than she was"


This is where things get personal and specific. These lines literally got my heart racing. All that is implied, or might be, is shocking and almost sensory here.

quote:

He heard you

And now the burdens within
the gift are being revealed


There is always a price to pay for magic. Or answered prayers? Ah yes. We all know this truth.

quote:

It's time to
dismantle the nest
Set fire to every colored string
and soft piece of moss
Snap every perfect twig
until nothing remains
but a single feather


This is gorgeous and the gift/reward at the end of a compelling poem. I am still pondering it. For me it has certain immediate resonance and meaning though I am not sure if I am reading too much in. But in any case, a splendid coda.

(The dismantling of the nest is so violent and final, yet for some reason here seems hopeful too.)

In closing—I feel this poem deeply and want to give it more thought. For now: thank you very much. Well done.
SW
Oct/7/2013, 7:07 pm Link to this post Email spiralwoman   PM spiralwoman Blog
 
Fatgirlinboxinggloves Profile
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Re: Sometimes


SW, I so appreciate your thoughtful read, and the observations you made about which parts need strengthening! The benediction part was bugging me too, but I left it, hoping to find more suitable words in the future. When I went off into my day to run errands, I mulled over a a change (which I just edited in)- it works a little better.

As for the last piece, you are probably not reading too much into it. We have daughters that are the same age, no?

It's true that the dismantling of the nest is somewhat violent; however, it is necessary, and you're right - it is ultimately a representation of hope and regeneration.
Oct/7/2013, 7:34 pm Link to this post Email Fatgirlinboxinggloves   PM Fatgirlinboxinggloves Blog
 
Christine98 Profile
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Re: Sometimes


hi Fg,

I enjoyed reading this and the glimpse into a common but intensely felt and personal experience.

These lines: "And now the burdens within/the gift are being revealed," leave me wondering a little. If the gift was to do a better job of parenting than one's own parents--is "the burden" to do a better job of letting go? Since the next line is "It's time to/dismantle the nest," that seems like maybe--or is just that the narrator is becoming aware of how heavy a burden it was now that the nest is empty? Anyway, those two lines re: the "burdens within the gift" could be expanded, I think. But I could be wrong, maybe it's better to leave it open-ended.

I wonder about the line-breaks. These seem better to me:

"Body supine, chipped porcelain
tugging gently at your back

Invocations given
in silence because words
carry too much weight"

Just some thoughts to use or lose.

best,

Chris
Oct/9/2013, 10:31 am Link to this post Email Christine98   PM Christine98
 
Susiemcq Profile
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Re: Sometimes


I don't have a daughter, but I still felt this poem deeply. I happen to like the "benediction" line. Wish I had seen the poem before you changed it.
Oct/9/2013, 11:52 am Link to this post Email Susiemcq   PM Susiemcq Blog
 
Fatgirlinboxinggloves Profile
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Re: Sometimes


Hi Christine,

Thank you so much for reading, and for your input. I am always curious about how much of the *story* that inspired the poem is actually conveyed to the reader. Mostly, I'm not too attached to whether the true tale is received, because (for me) some of the beauty of reading poetry is the mystery.

In this case, you are correct about the gift being to do a better job than my mother, the burden is, in part, about doing a better job of letting go - more about the intricacies of letting go; realizing and helping my child realize that the town of her birth is not a healthy place for her; that *home* is me, not this place. It's also about holding my child's secret(s), and giving advice that shakes up the core of me.
Oct/9/2013, 12:29 pm Link to this post Email Fatgirlinboxinggloves   PM Fatgirlinboxinggloves Blog
 
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Re: Sometimes


Thank you, Susie! You got me thinking. Since benedictions are closing prayers/blessings, and the end of the poem is, in essence, a *blessing*. . .maybe that word works better than invocation.

I love getting honest, critical feedback. Joining this board is such a gift. You are all very helpful.
Oct/9/2013, 12:34 pm Link to this post Email Fatgirlinboxinggloves   PM Fatgirlinboxinggloves Blog
 


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