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Susiemcq Profile
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Rules



       I watched as they lay there kissing. It made me angry. He didn’t kiss her any differently than he kissed me.
She said,
“Mmmm, demanding mouth.”
Yes, I thought, good word.
I should have made ‘no kissing ‘ one of the rules. As though having rules really made any sense in this game.
He was on top of her now. It was officially no longer a threesome. Sitting on my heels, on the bed next to them, I could smell her vaginal foam, the kind that protects you from pregnancy. Weird. It had a very clinical smell. Not very romantic, I thought. But, this wasn’t about romance. This was as far from romance as you could get.
She had entered the motel room wearing a beige trench coat, an old pair of brown, knee-high, leather boots with fat, clunky heels over a pair of brown pantyhose…let me repeat…brown pantyhose. She climbed up on the coffee table and preceded to remove the trench coat in what I’m sure she thought was a sexy gesture. Under the trench coat was a nondescript skirt and v-neck sweater that reminded me of a Catholic School outfit. She threw off the skirt and sweater in some awkward version of a striptease. The woman had no rhythm and no shame. Then came the bra, which when unhooked released two of the longest, saddest looking pair of breasts I’d ever seen. I felt embarrassed for her. As she stood in nothing but the boots and pantyhose, I almost laughed out loud…maybe she was kidding…maybe this was a joke. Worse yet, maybe it wasn’t. I didn’t dare look at my husband for fear he’d make me laugh.
When we unceremoniously took off our clothes, she commented on how fit we were, how hard and tight we were, how tan we were. I never considered it before, but I suddenly felt like USDA prime.
What the hell were we doing here? Now I was embarrassed for us. I was feeling a lot of things, but I was not feeling threatened. We three had talked about this and decided it was something we wanted to do. Looking back now I see that, of the three of us, I wanted it the least. My motivation was not some insatiable sex drive, but rather a final ‘giving in’ to the eternal male desire for a threesome. I don’t even remember how the topic came up with Mrs. Brown-Pantyhose, as we only knew her from Church, (yes, Church!), so I can’t imagine how the subject ever came up. Anyway, here we were.
Shifting her gaze from my husband's eyes to mine now, she said, with a husky pant,
"This isn't working for me. I have to have intercourse in order to come...is that okay with you?"
No, it's not okay with me! That's why I made the rule! But, it would have seemed petty for me to say no at this point. I think I whispered,
“Sure.”
My husband didn’t make eye contact, he just hurriedly inserted his penis into that strange and pumped away, once, twice, three… times…and they were both done.
I never felt so foolish in my life, sitting there, next to them…unsatisfied…not even aroused. It was then that I realized the kiss bothered me more than the !@#$, and that I didn't like sharing. And I realized that, floppy tits and all didn’t matter to him. What mattered was her insatiable sex drive, her passion. That was what he wanted.


Last edited by Susiemcq, Oct/11/2013, 10:34 pm
Oct/9/2013, 11:46 am Link to this post Email Susiemcq   PM Susiemcq Blog
 
spiralwoman Profile
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Re: Rules


Susiemcq,
I often read through something and only later, going back, does the title hit me. Somehow a title without a story or poem (the way a title appears to us when we first read it) does not register for me. So going back to this after my first reading, I noticed... Rules.

That idea is so central to this story, or vignette. The whole situation being described is one big "against the rules" moment. The societal norms are really rules, against adultery, in any form. Within this beautifully evoked and totally surreal moment that exists outside of any rules... there are rules. You convey it well enough that I do not think you need this line: "Funny thing…a ‘no kissing’ rule while breaking every other rule known to civilization." It's overkill.

The narrator's position as observer, and in fact abandoned wife in that moment, makes the whole scene almost intolerable, as I am invested in her pov. But she is also maddening, as bystander. She sometimes comes across as a victim, but at other times is "saved" by her sarcastic, edgy tone, as in lines like this one: "She had entered the motel room wearing a beige trench coat, an old pair of brown, knee-high, leather boots with fat, clunky heels over a pair of brown pantyhose…let me repeat…brown pantyhose."

I would rather hear this line: "Looking right at me now, she asked, with a husky pant, if they could break the cardinal rule of ‘no entry’. Seems intercourse was the only way she could achieve orgasm" in direct dialogue. What exact words does the narrator have to endure hearing from this woman having sex with her husband? Somehow the assault of that question -- asking permission to break what seems to be the only rule left to break -- will seem more vivid and immediate, I am thinking.

This is strong and has much potential. I plan on coming back to it.
SW
Oct/9/2013, 3:44 pm Link to this post Email spiralwoman   PM spiralwoman Blog
 
Susiemcq Profile
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Re: Rules


wow, thank you SW. I see everything you're saying...and I agree...you've given me some excellent feedback. I want to incorporate you suggestions, but not sure how. Will work on it.

 
Oct/10/2013, 4:20 pm Link to this post Email Susiemcq   PM Susiemcq Blog
 
taconic resonance Profile
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Re: Rules


This story is one that probably needed to be written. It's actually the opposite of porn, which has to be utter fantasy. This is a porn-like situation which is told in an utterly realistic, deflating, make-me-squirm way that's almost comical. That combination of icky and funny is original and I would strive to keep it. Reading this made me wonder about a lot of stuff -- why does the husband agree to this? Is it really just wanting to see another woman want him? What does that say about his relationship with his wife? What happens after this scene? When husband and wife go home? Why does the other woman want this? How does she feel about the wife? Is she competing with her in some way?
Not saying you have to answer all this in the story, but thinking about it might inform the story and make it denser. Knowing stuff about your characters that you don't actually tell has an effect on what you actually do tell.
Oct/14/2013, 11:12 am Link to this post Email taconic resonance   PM taconic resonance Blog
 
bridgetpost Profile
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Re: Rules


Dang! I missed a pre-edit! Was this ending original? Because it's perfect. I rather like our fiction series about women's sexual encounters. A growing collection. Once again the ambivalence, this time the rules themselves have trapped you, they're your consent form, you signed on. Being in the moment (in this case, stuck observing the moment)/ being in your head (in this case, head caught in the cage of the moment). This is a great story and true. I immediately went to a past experience and my own reaction. The content range for this subject is huge. Men and the 'idea' of sex. Women and their body/mind experience of it.
Oct/16/2013, 12:29 pm Link to this post Email bridgetpost   PM bridgetpost Blog
 
Susiemcq Profile
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Re: Rules


Bridgetpost, thank you so much. I was very afraid of posting this, but that is one of the things I need to overcome in my writing,the fear of letting it all hang out.
Oct/16/2013, 1:21 pm Link to this post Email Susiemcq   PM Susiemcq Blog
 
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Re: Rules


Taconic Resonance...your last line: "Knowing stuff about your characters that you don't actually tell has an effect on what you actually do tell." is very deep. Can you please elaborate. Thank you so much for your input.
Oct/16/2013, 1:25 pm Link to this post Email Susiemcq   PM Susiemcq Blog
 
Susiemcq Profile
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Re: Rules


God!! I just read this after so long and it sounds and feels awful. I need to rework this!
Apr/16/2015, 9:25 am Link to this post Email Susiemcq   PM Susiemcq Blog
 
spiralwoman Profile
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Re: Rules


Thrilled to see you back, Susiemcq! Poke around and see what's been going on in the improv thread. Looking forward to reading a revision. xo SW
Apr/16/2015, 11:29 am Link to this post Email spiralwoman   PM spiralwoman Blog
 


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