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Fatgirlinboxinggloves Profile
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Sex and God


You show up unannounced,
your shadowy form manifesting
as I step from the shower,
or dig for an errant sock
in the laundry basket.
Today
I burned the cookies,
because you suddenly appeared
in my kitchen,
wanting to have a conversation about sex
and God.

This confluence of past and present
is unsettling,
not because you haven't
moved on to the next place,
but because
our meetings never used to be
this ordinary.
We had books,
the woody smell of incense,
endless words on yellow legal pads,
a ticking clock.

The time has come
for me to open every window,
and unlatch every door.

I no longer need
your protection.

I finally know how
to live in this body
that always wants
too much.
And I can fill this wrinkled paper
with words,
even though you're not here
to read them.


Last edited by Fatgirlinboxinggloves, Oct/11/2013, 8:59 pm
Oct/11/2013, 12:16 am Link to this post Email Fatgirlinboxinggloves   PM Fatgirlinboxinggloves Blog
 
spiralwoman Profile
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Re: Sex and God


FG, This is wonderful and very accessible, for me at least. And these lines:
quote:

And I can fill this wrinkled paper
with words,
even though you're not here
to read them.

are intensely piercing.... For me they grab up lots and lots from the deep place. They speak to me not only of someone who has died who can non longer read our communications, but someone loved and lost whose act of reading our words -- poetry, song, prose-- gave them meaning and filled us with ... meaning. Living on without that and becoming okay with writing, and having meaning, on one's own.

The releasing action of throwing open the doors and windows is a hugely hopeful one.

Not sure you need the lines:
quote:

I no longer need you
to protect me.

so much. Not because it isn't an important idea for the poem but because it feels so baldly stated when much of what you have conveyed throughout the poem is more deft.

I had some issues with wordiness in the opening strophe. I've made some suggestions to show you what I mean.
You are constantly showing up
unannounced, > You show up unannounced
your shadowy form manifesting> your shadowy form manifests [or even a more immediate kind of verb]
after I step out of the shower,> as I step from the shower
or when I'm digging for an errant sock >or dig for an errant sock
in the laundry basket.

Also thought maybe taking out the "and" before "the woody smell of incense" (which made me want to find my incense burner right away and celebrate fall with something woody). Without the "and" it reads more like a list. In a good way. I think I want the "and" out because of how it will sound without it.

These are tiny nitpicks when overall this is a lovely strong resonant poem. It may want some tweaking but it's a keeper fo sho.
sw

Last edited by spiralwoman, Oct/11/2013, 9:52 pm
Oct/11/2013, 2:56 pm Link to this post Email spiralwoman   PM spiralwoman Blog
 
Fatgirlinboxinggloves Profile
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Re: Sex and God


SW, thank you! I have employed most of your suggestions, and I think this is a better poem because of your input.

I'm still on the fence about the "I no longer need you to protect me" line. It's definitely lacking; however, I want to convey the fact that I am strong enough to stand alone now - not sure if that makes sense, but that's the piece of the poem that I'm still looking to fill.

Again, many thanks for the assistance.
Oct/11/2013, 8:56 pm Link to this post Email Fatgirlinboxinggloves   PM Fatgirlinboxinggloves Blog
 
spiralwoman Profile
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Re: Sex and God


I hear you. So much of that "I can stand alone" thing is very clear in the last 4 lines, but there may be something else strong like that you will think of to replace the telling.

I like the streamlined first lines... nice. Glad I could be of help!
sw
Oct/11/2013, 9:54 pm Link to this post Email spiralwoman   PM spiralwoman Blog
 
Susiemcq Profile
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Re: Sex and God


Hi FGIBG, Love the poem, but I do see your problem in wanting to insert that one thought. So, how about something like this: '...strong and unprotected, I finally know how to live in this body...'
Oct/17/2013, 8:55 am Link to this post Email Susiemcq   PM Susiemcq Blog
 
taconic resonance Profile
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Re: Sex and God


Hi -- I'm surprised no-one mentioned the word "ordinary" -- that's my favorite word in the whole poem. It flips the whole visitation on its head. Made me laugh too.
I agree that the "I no longer need you to protect me" could be cut. I think you say it indirectly, and with more strength, in the final lines.
Oct/31/2013, 8:07 pm Link to this post Email taconic resonance   PM taconic resonance Blog
 
magyproductions Profile
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Re: Sex and God


FG--this is such a beautiful poem! gave me shivers. i agree with previous suggestions. my favorite part of the poem was this:

I finally know how
to live in this body
that always wants
too much.

love it. so honest and i think i know something of what you mean... emoticon
Nov/1/2013, 2:21 pm Link to this post Email magyproductions   PM magyproductions Blog
 
Fatgirlinboxinggloves Profile
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Re: Sex and God


Hi Susie, I like the "strong and unprotected" suggestion a lot! Thank you. xo
Nov/14/2013, 11:02 pm Link to this post Email Fatgirlinboxinggloves   PM Fatgirlinboxinggloves Blog
 
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Re: Sex and God


Hi TR, thank you for the feedback! I'm glad you found humor in the *ordinary*. There was a lot of humor in my friendship with the person who is the subject of this poem (my mentor).
Nov/14/2013, 11:06 pm Link to this post Email Fatgirlinboxinggloves   PM Fatgirlinboxinggloves Blog
 
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Re: Sex and God


Magy, thank you so much!
Nov/14/2013, 11:07 pm Link to this post Email Fatgirlinboxinggloves   PM Fatgirlinboxinggloves Blog
 
bridgetpost Profile
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Re: Sex and God


I love what you've done. I love the ordinary, burning the cookies (now look what you made me do!) but also the fact that not ordinary is books and writing and a ticking clock, and the two together humorously in the person of a ghost who interrupts you to discuss sex and God. I love throwing open the doors and windows, and what you did with the next solitary line, which says so much. What a difference, changing from "I no longer need you to protect me". Protection implies a much bigger realm, the ordinary and extraordinary. At first I didn't quite jive to the beginning of the last stanza,the "body that wants too much", until it slid itself into the ordinary's extraordinary struggles. Thanks for this; and everyone contributing.
Nov/16/2013, 1:26 pm Link to this post Email bridgetpost   PM bridgetpost Blog
 


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