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The Morning After Your Funeral



I step onto the bus and
sit in a seat, a shallow blue cup.
I meant only to notice people
yet already I fumble:
I long for the favor to be returned,
but it is unfair to expect such a gift
from strangers on a bus.

The woman across from me
wears an orange poncho.
Have I noticed her?
I try to become a mirror
so she will show herself to me—
but I am a person, too,
inadequate after all.
I don’t know how to reflect anything else.
I know only how to look as myself,
to mourn as myself.

Here is the story I meant to tell all along:
I lost you.
And what have you lost?
Me.
Do you mourn too?
Is losing me such a loss after all?
In your absence, I can finally see you clearly.
Poetry without metaphor,
eyes that taste like eyes—
You are dead.

I’ve already asked the bus driver
the only question that matters:
Where can you take me?
The answer I want is the one that is impossible:
Wherever she has gone.

I've been fiddling with this poem for a while and am still not satisfied. Any and all suggestions/comments/critiques would be much appreciated!
Feb/12/2014, 2:27 pm Link to this post Email magyproductions   PM magyproductions Blog
 
spiralwoman Profile
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Re: The Morning After Your Funeral


Magy, I think I see where you are going here. Looking at loss as a thing separate from the self and realizing it doesn't work. That the self is always at the center of grief or mourning, no matter what the tragedy that has befallen another. It's complicated and I am not totally sure you are there yet but I sure do admire you for grappling with something so complex. There's a lot of great stuff here. I'll just insert my thoughts along the way....

I step onto the bus and
sit in a seat, a shallow blue cup.
I meant only to notice people
yet already I fumble: >> I am not sure you are fumbling…. Is that the right word? You are somehow commenting on the fact that you misunderstood your own intentions. Is that a fumble?
I long for the favor to be returned, >> the passive voice is not working for me here. How about something simpler like, “I want someone to notice me, too.”
but it is unfair to expect such a gift >> this seems wordy
from strangers on a bus.

The woman across from me
wears an orange poncho.
Have I noticed her?
I try to become a mirror
so she will show herself to me— >> I love these four lines.
but I am a person, too,
inadequate after all.
I don’t know how to reflect anything else. >>Or "I don’t know how to reflect anything but myself" ("anything else"seems a little vague)
I know only how to look as myself, >> Then you might lose this line if you tweak the one before it to be more precise
to mourn as myself.

Here is the story I meant to tell all along:
I lost you.
And what have you lost?
Me.
Do you mourn too?
Is losing me such a loss after all?
In your absence, I can finally see you clearly. >> I feel like maybe the first 7 lines of this strophe could be trimmed/condensed. A vivid image to drive home the confusion of who mourns whom? What might that be?
Poetry without metaphor,
eyes that taste like eyes—
You are dead. >> last three lines are great and real

I’ve already asked the bus driver
the only question that matters:
Where can you take me?
The answer I want is the one that is impossible:
Wherever she has gone. >> This is a superb idea but IMO would be better conveyed without bluntly being stated. Is there a way the N can ask the driver the question in such a way that the desired answer is implied? Maybe it already is with “where can you take me” being the only question that matters. Maybe the poem could start with the N getting on the bus and asking this question, instead of ending with it? Then perhaps at the end of the poem you could circle back to the idea of wherever you are going it’s not the right place….

Is the lost person in this poem real to you? I think if he/she could become more real to the reader the conflict within the N would seem more immediate. When the N talks about “eyes that taste like eyes” we get a sense of that connectedness to a real person and I find I want more than that.

This is an ambitious poem and I feel like it is on its way to being something quite strong. I do so hope you will, if you make any changes, show the board your rewrite! Do me a favor, don’t delete the original but you can post a revision on top of it so the progress is evident and we can refer back.

Thank you so much for posting. Time to get the board in gear again!
spiralwoman
Feb/13/2014, 10:10 am Link to this post Email spiralwoman   PM spiralwoman Blog
 
taconic resonance Profile
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Re: The Morning After Your Funeral


I've read this several times, and here's what I sense: the speaker wants to be seen, because of her loss, yet is somehow seeking that through clearly seeing others. So the first two stanzas are kid of a prologue. I'm really not sure if this needs more connective tissue -- the best poems require imaginative leaps -- but maybe the first two stanzas could give a firmer foundation for that jump? Maybe you should focus even more sharply on that woman in the poncho -- maybe others on the bus -- maybe somehow make clearer that elusive idea that seeing others will lead to being seen? Why would anyone feel that way? But we do, I know. I often wonder if my brother (passed on recently) sees me, somehow, in some wiser way. I hope this helps. I need to think about this poem some more, and that's good.

Last edited by taconic resonance, Mar/1/2014, 11:41 am
Mar/1/2014, 10:00 am Link to this post Email taconic resonance   PM taconic resonance Blog
 
Susiemcq Profile
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Re: The Morning After Your Funeral


I really like it...just the way it is.
Mar/2/2014, 7:40 pm Link to this post Email Susiemcq   PM Susiemcq Blog
 
Susiemcq Profile
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Re: The Morning After Your Funeral


I just re-read this, a few times, and I really, really like it a lot. Favorite lines..."I long for the favor to be returned" "but I am a person too, inadequate after all. I don't know how to reflect anything else." "In your absence I can finally see you clearly"...and the powerful..."I've already asked the bus driver the only question that matters: Where can you take me?" I love the flow of this poem, its surreal yet real....dreamlike. it's also very intimate. I like it.
Mar/3/2014, 8:48 am Link to this post Email Susiemcq   PM Susiemcq Blog
 


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