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The Release of Thorim Hammerfist
This story was one that I had written for a contest on another message board. It was to be 500 words or less. The word count according to Microsoft Word was 499! I just cannot bear to leave out anything.  . No, I did not win, but my fellow gamers liked it.
The Release of Thorim Hammerfist
by Jordan Bourne
(Old Warrior's pen name)
“Ugh! I cannot stand these lying, magic-wielding elves!” Thus did Thorim Hammerfist rant to himself as he restlessly marched the length of his six-by-eight paces cell. He could not remember how the elves had captured him, but the only way they could have possibly taken him alive was by using their devious magic. There were few dwarves from the Iron Cliff clan who could wield a battle axe as he did. Still fewer could boast falling head first down into the rock-strewn defile known as Knock-Out Slide and immediately arise still conscious at the end of the experience.
Momentarily forgetting his trouble, he grinned widely and thought of all his kin who were proud of his accomplishments and battle worthiness. Many younger dwarves aspired to be just like him. But then, he focused on the bars and snapped back into his present predicament. Though the fire of his wrath had somewhat cooled by the fleeting pleasant thoughts, he still needed to make someone pay for this dirty deed! His confinement was such an offense that he would need his whole clan to rightly carry the grudge until gold be paid or vengeance be well-visited upon his captors.
Thinking back over the last few days, Thorim began to grow very impatient, for though the elves had provided everything needed to sustain his life and relative comfort, they would NOT talk to him. Much less, they steadfastly ignored his every request and demand to tell why he had been captured and what they intended to do with him. Now he began to think differently. No, he would still behead them, after keeping them in cells half the size of his for at least twice as long, with little or no food and nothing but dirty water to drink; but, he now thought of a way out.
“Ahem! Guard!” said Thorim in a normal voice, something much less than a hate-filled roar, but still sounding awfully mean. “Yes?”, asked the elf. “It talks!”, Thorim continued, “I have a bargain for your leader. It involves the war. I am sure he will want to hear what I say.”
Soon, Thorim got his wish and Lethvalinel, an elf general, stood just outside the cell. “What do you have to tell me, dwarf?” Thorim motioned conspiratorially for the elf to come closer, saying, “It is for your ears only.” Lethvalinel did. With quickness worthy of the elves, Thorim reached through the bars, grabbed the captain’s long knife, and used the threat of killing the elf to force his own release.
After Thorim left, an elf mage explained to Lethvalinel, “Yes, it was necessary to have him threaten your life. By this means alone could we know that your brother is truly convinced that he is a dwarf. Here is a Ring of Remembering. Touch him with it, and he will remember who he really is and the outer illusion will vanish as well.”
--- Old Warrior
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Feb/27/2014, 2:26 am
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Re: The Release of Thorim Hammerfist
SPOILER ALERT! If you are a visitor or another board member... do not read this comment until you have read the story! You'll be disappointed if you do.
Oh, OldWarrior, I just love the surprise ending! Totally unexpected. What it manages to do, however, is hint at a HUGE story of which this is just the merest teasing glimpse. Ever think of expanding it? I'd read it!
It is a challenge to do what you tried here -- or had to do to remain within the restrictions of the contest-- and create character, setting, concept, and resolution in just 500 words. There are moments when you resort to telling the reader something that, if you had more leeway, you might have shown, through development, action, description, etc. But if you ever did expand this into a longer tale, you could breathe more freely within the narrative at those moments. I'd love, for example, to know what these characters look like, and a little more of the setting. A barred cell in which he still feels he is kept in "relative comfort" -- which makes a lot of sense when we realize at the end that he is the leader's brother who would never want him to truly suffer.
I keep coming back to how much is revealed or thrown into question rather, once we know the "secret" of the story. How did it all happen? How did Thorim (not his real name presumably) end up with all those specific memories of life as a dwarf? And what next? Is he under a spell?
If you did take this and run with it, I'd rethink the ring of remembering. It seems too easy! If the story were longer therein could lie a great conflict -- how to get Thorim back if the ring fails to work or goes missing...? Ha ha! I'm being WAY too presumptuous. You've made me think though! Good way to start my day.
Oh, and Thorim Hammerfist is a great name.
Take care. SW
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Feb/28/2014, 8:57 am
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Re: The Release of Thorim Hammerfist
Thanks for your comments, spiral woman. You make some interesting points.
I have wanted to write full-length novels, but have never truly and properly attempted the task. Although, I have tried to do some learning along the way -- mostly informal -- that would prepare me to do so.
One aspect that seems so daunting to me is the matter of world building. Perhaps I would do well to make the first attempt and use that as the opportunity to find out whether I truly can handle such a work, or even treat it as a 'workshop' of 'on the job training'.
Last edited by OldWarrior, Feb/28/2014, 12:07 pm
--- Old Warrior
Check out Bible Notes
It is one of my favorite places on the Internet.
God bless you, everyone! |
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Feb/28/2014, 12:05 pm
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Re: The Release of Thorim Hammerfist
OldWarrior: What other fiction have you written? Do you have longer stories that you feel are successful? (Longer than this one, I mean.) I agree that the idea of a novel is a daunting one. I write short fiction, which suits me and seems to work for me, though I have often wondered about doing a book, too!
Have you had a chance to read any of the stories here on Bread & Stone yet?
Look forward to continuing to see you here. Take care.
SW
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Feb/28/2014, 3:24 pm
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Re: The Release of Thorim Hammerfist
Very difficult to pack so much background into so few words. You pull if off pretty well, though, and the ending is great. I was thinking: "Is he really going to let the dwarf free so easily?" and then "Oh! Yeah ..." The trick to improving this is to hit on details that speak volumes. One detail to describe that cell; one to summarize his dwarf-warrior prowess, and so on. That ending certainly does make it feel like a prologue to something bigger.
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Mar/1/2014, 10:06 am
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Re: The Release of Thorim Hammerfist
quote:
spiralwoman wrote:
OldWarrior: What other fiction have you written? Do you have longer stories that you feel are successful? (Longer than this one, I mean.) I agree that the idea of a novel is a daunting one. I write short fiction, which suits me and seems to work for me, though I have often wondered about doing a book, too!
Have you had a chance to read any of the stories here on Bread & Stone yet?
Look forward to continuing to see you here. Take care.
SW
Sadly, I have not written much fiction. So, no, I do not have any longer pieces. I really want to write a best-selling novel!
I have read enough fantasy and SciFi that I feel like I should be a fiction writer.
I will try to get around and read here some more sometime in the next several days. Work and play testing keep me rather occupied.
Have a great day, everyone!
Now, back to work...
Last edited by OldWarrior, Mar/1/2014, 11:32 pm
--- Old Warrior
Check out Bible Notes
It is one of my favorite places on the Internet.
God bless you, everyone! |
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Mar/1/2014, 7:31 pm
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Re: The Release of Thorim Hammerfist
What fun! You aced his dwarvish voice. A few nits of grammar-checks here and there. It makes me think how hilarious a game in which all the characters are delusional would be.
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Mar/5/2014, 3:38 pm
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